A Dramatic Retelling of the Ultimate Canine Betrayal

I should have seen the signs. The whispered conversations. The overly cheerful tone of voice. The sudden appearance of towels—so many towels. But I, a trusting and innocent dog, ignored the warning signals. And that was my first mistake.

This is the tragic tale of bath time, the betrayal that shakes me to my very core every time the tub fills up and the shampoo bottle appears.

The Calm Before the Storm

It was a perfect day. I had just finished rolling in something magnificent outside—perhaps mud, perhaps an unidentifiable yet deliciously pungent scent. My coat was a masterpiece of nature’s finest elements, and I felt proud. Victorious, even.

Then, my human called me in, using that sweet, sing-song voice that usually means treats or belly rubs. I trotted in happily, my tail wagging, blissfully unaware of the doom that awaited me.

The Sudden Realization

And then, I saw it.

The tub. The towels. The shampoo bottle.

My soul left my body.

I turned to escape, but it was too late. My human had already closed the door. The betrayal was complete.

The Struggle Begins

I tried everything. The pathetic puppy eyes, the fake limp, even the classic “if I don’t move, maybe they’ll forget I exist” technique. Nothing worked. My human, heartless and unshaken, lifted me into the watery abyss.

The first splash of water hit my fur, and I knew—I had lost.

They scrubbed. They lathered. They rubbed my sacred scent away with something called “lavender oatmeal shampoo.” Lavender? What am I, a spa guest?

And the worst part? They were smiling. As if they were enjoying my suffering.

The Soap in the Eye Incident

At some point, my human made a fatal error. A tiny drop of soap found its way into my eye, and that’s when I knew—this was war.

I flopped dramatically against the side of the tub, letting out a long, tragic sigh to let them know that I was probably dying.

Did they stop? No. Instead, they said something ridiculous like, “You’re being so dramatic.”

As if this wasn’t the greatest betrayal of all time.

The Water Torture Continues

After what felt like an eternity, the rinsing phase began. My human poured more water over me, ensuring that no trace of dirt, dignity, or self-respect remained.

With each rinse, I plotted my revenge. Would I roll in the mud immediately after this? Absolutely. Would I pretend to forgive them, only to shake water all over their clean clothes? You bet.

The Towel of Shame

Just when I thought it was over, the towel attack began. I was aggressively fluffed, my fur tousled and tangled like a common house mop.

At this point, I was too weak to fight back. I simply let them pat me down, my spirit broken, my dreams shattered.

The Final Blow: The “Good Boy” Lie

Then came the ultimate insult.

“Good boy! You did so well!”

Excuse me?

You kidnapped me. You waterboarded me. You stripped me of my glorious stink and replaced it with the scent of “coconut vanilla.” And now you have the audacity to praise me?

The nerve.

The Aftermath

As soon as I was free, I bolted. Zoomies engaged. I ran through the house, shaking water everywhere, ensuring that every piece of furniture suffered as I had suffered.

My human sighed. “See? That wasn’t so bad.”

I glared at them. They would pay for this.

The Vow for Revenge

I may be clean today, but mark my words—I will find the mud again.

And next time? I will roll in it twice.

So enjoy your victory, human. Because this battle isn’t over.